Christmas is coming

Never been a fan of this time of year. It does my head in, all the enforced merriment and the people being hell-bent on socialising when the weather screams "get indoors now and don't come out again until spring". I'd gladly hibernate from the time that the Christmas songs start playing until it's time to eat chocolate eggs but, well, I can't.

I always want to like Christmas, or Yuletide. My friend loves Christmas. And I mean really loves it. She's like a kid from well before the beginning of December. She's so happy at this time of year. This festive season her house is more beautiful than ever, with hand-made decorations that look shop bought and a sense of happiness which swathes the house in a glow which isn't coming from the (tastefully arranged) fairy lights. And none of it is contrived. She doesn't do it because she thinks she should or because she's trying to keep up with the Jones'. She does it because she loves it. And it's lovely. Genuinely lovely. I'm happy that she's happy. She deserves to be but it's really hard to be the person who hates it. And I don't mean in a bah humbug, grumbling way. I'm not annoyed about the commercialisation of Christmas or the fact that it starts earlier and earlier every year. I mean on a really basic level - this is the worst time of year for me. It makes me more lonely than any other. It throws in to sharp relief how desperately unhappy I am and you aren't allowed to moan. You just aren't. People keep saying "At least you have 2 weeks off work", "At least you'll be around your family" and many other ridiculous, ill thought-out comments which do not serve to make me feel any better about the whole thing. Work is a welcome distraction from the shambles that is my life right now. Especially when someone or something annoys me - I can focus on that and push the thought of Keith sitting round a tree with his kids, opening presents, drinking mulled wine and not thinking about me, for about 5 seconds and that gives me time to breathe, which is necessary to the whole survival thing. And I'll not even start on how much worse being around my family makes me feel.

I'm dreading Christmas Day and then the period after, during which everybody is depressed anyway. I'm dreading New Year even more. I'm dreading people telling me that maybe 2009 will be better for me - that this will be my year. Unless he comes back it won't be any better. It's not like everything or, in fact, anything is going to change after some arbitary date in a calender.

I went out with a friend last night. I don't see him often. I quite like him but he really pushed me last night to really go in to detail about how I feel. I don't want to do that. I don't see why I should have to. I want it to be enough for me to say I'm sad or whatever and for people to leave me alone unless I want to talk. He said he had been worrying about me because I haven't felt like going out and I have said one of the reasons is because I know I'm not very good company. Truth is, I don't care whether or not I'm good company. I don't want to go out because I don't want to go out. It's totally fucking slefish and I feel like I'm entitled to be. Some others really don't think I'm entitled to that. They are getting annoyed with me now 'cos I'm still not in the party mood and it has been 6 months now so they don't understand why I'm not better and back to my old self. What they fail to realise is that "my old self" was entirely dependent on Keith. Not in a drippy, soppy way - I don't think I have no personality because he's gone but he gave me the strength and fortitude to deal with other people's crap which some people used to dump on me with alarming regularity and I'm not around for those people anymore. I can't be. I've got my own shit now and I'm drowning in it so I have no capacity for dealing with theirs and that is not going down well. I can't be bothered to care about that though. I have to find a way to cope with the next couple of weeks and I'm terrified that I don't have the ability to get through it. I can't say this to people. It's not what they want to hear at this time of year but it's how it is.

It'll all be over soon though and I won't have to worry about feeling as bad as this until my birthday in May, which is goign to be horrendous. I don't know if I'll get away with locking my door and not speaking to anyone until that's over but I know I'll be trying.

Sx

Ha ha

Well, I told "someone from work" that I like him and he doesn't feel the same - funny though 'cos telling him has kind of broken the whole thing. Turns out he's not so special or interesting - he's just the same as all the boys. He was taking the mickey really. He decided that he wanted to socialise a bit more and thought he'd just jump on my band-wagon. I've pulled the rug from under him somewhat and he'll have to make his own friends now 'cos he's proven humself to be a bit of a turd.

It's not just 'cos he doesn't like me. People like who they like and the ridiculous notion he has that he's hot has lead to him being sex-free for a number of years and is bound to continue but it's the fact that he knew I liked him and he still felt inclined to lead me up the garden path in the hope that it may get him close to someone else really proves he's not the kind of person I want in my life. I'm glad I did it and glad to have dispensed with him as a "friend" as it turns out so it's ok.

There was some crying on the night it happened but the tears weren't for him. They were for Keith. I miss him so much. I just lurch from one tiresome, frustrating day to the next, never really getting anywhere apart from closer to Christmas, which I am dreading. I keep thinking I can find a way to get him back (I always have) but this time things look bleak and I've never really contemplated the next 50 or so years without him. It has just never really occurred to me that I'll have to cope with that.

I have a job interview tomorrow morning. I really ought to be preparing for it but I can't be bothered. I'd quite like the job but I don't really care. It's not like it's going to make me happy or fulfilled. I'll just be doing a different job all day whilst dreaming up ways to try and get Keith to talk to me.

God, people must be bored of me. I have nothing else I want to talk about - not for any length of time and I know they must be getting sick of it but I'm afraid to let him die. I'm so scared of the void that will be left if I shut up about him - I'm scared that if I bottle it up and keep it in I'll spontaneously combust so this is a heartfelt apology to all my friends who shouldn't have to listen to me but do. Thank you. I love you.

I'm away to have another stab at this presentation for tomorrow. I'm not holding my breath. I could do the job standing on my head but I've no idea if I'm what they'll want. Fingers crossed, eh?

Sx

Someone from work

So, I didn't think I'd be posting today. I went out with someone from work tonight. I hoped that I wouldn't be home so early... There's a chance he may read this but I'm beyond being bothered about that. He couldn't really have made it more clear that he isn't interested in me and I'm surprised by how much that hurts. There's no way I can tell him how much I like the way his eyes (which are not the traditional brown, but a lovely shade of blue) crinkle when he smiles, how I like the way that when he laughs, it comes right from his belly and that his kindness makes me feel warm and happy. He went out of his way to let me know he doesn't feel anything but friendship for me and it has made me sad. More sad than I thought I would feel over someone who wasn't Keith.

We have been out a couple of times. I know he enjoys himself. I know he really likes my company but it's not enough for him. He has been my secret crush for 7 years. He has always been there throughout the Keith debacle and now we are in a place where we are both single and potentially ready for something and I'm not, physically, what he wants. I asked him what a woman would have to have for him and he started with "Good sense of humour". I have done some stand-up comedy in my time and I know I make him laugh. He talked about qualities I possess and was shocked when I said I was pleased but surprised that he didn't start with physical attributes but the reality is I was sitting in front of him, practically begging him for attention and he just doesn't notice.

I have taken the (sound) advice from friends to pretend that I'm completely ready to move on from Keith - to ensure that the fact that the impression Keith has left on me doesn't put this new man off. The truth is that he exists independently of Keith. This man doesn't make the pain of losing Keith go. He's not a distraction or some kind of sticking plaster. I like him for who he is and I would like what we have to be more and if it can't or isn't or whatever, I don't feel I have the strength to continue just being friends with him - not after what I've been through this year. I know I was funny with him at the beginning of the week after he had (inadvertently) upset me and he picked up on it (most men would NEVER have done) and I wanted to tell him. I wanted to shout that I wanted him and him thinking I'm just a pal cuts in a way I didn't envisage but I couldn't because the pain of actual rejection would be more than my fragile heart could bear right now. He deserves someone. He's special and I don't know if he knows it. I'd like to be able to tell him how special he is but it isn't my place. I must continue to admire him from afar and hope that someone, who I could care for, thinks the same of me, or will because I'm sad today and I really shouldn't be. Being with him makes me smile and I didn't know that that would happen so soon after Keith went away but I'm not the girl for him and that's sad. It's hard.

I wanted today's post to be positive. It should be. My friend, who I really admire, told me today that she really enjoyed my first post and that she likes my writing style. It made me happy. I was going for a drink with my (not so) secret crush and I ate pizza with my lovely friend who never fails to make me smile but I am sad and I don't know what else the Universe can come up with to make me blue but I don't feel prepared to deal with it. I hope tomorrow brings smiles and something positive. It might!

Sx

Here goes nothing

Well, here is my first post. I've always thought that this was a rather self-indulgent pursuit and actually it probably is but I think it will be a healthy one - perhaps helpful to me and anyone who may read it. I have never been one for writing journals, though I do write. I am one of nature's talkers. I like to tell people my problems, triumphs, hopes. I have tried to write diaries but I manage to keep it up for a week at best and then I slip. I wonder if the thought of others reading it will spur me on or make me less inclined to post.

The title is kind of strange, I guess. It came from a book I am reading (Pacts with the Devil by Christopher S Hyatt et al..) but it bears relevance to my life of late. I have hope that I may have cause to change it to Kissing an Angel at some point but the devil is appropriate for now. I have been in a funk for months now ever since the only man I have not only ever loved but also can ever really conceive of loving, ended our relationship via text message with no explantion and nothing approaching sadness or an apology. I have loved Keith for over 7 years - though we haven't been together all that time and I have endured a lot to keep him in my life and it has all come to naught and I have to keep thinking of my own reasons why because he didn't think me worthy of an actual explanation. I know that he's emotionally stunted and truly a bad person. I know he enjoys hurting people and I wasn't enough of a victim for him. He thinks being unfaithful is funny - he actually laughs when he talks about getting away with it. In many ways he hates himself, and well he should, but not for the reasons that he should hate himself. He's proud of how cold and selfish he is.

The thing that scares me most about him is that he is the father of two young girls. He doesn't love them in the way that I understand fatherly love. He uses tham as an excuse to not do anything he can't be bothered to do from replying to text messages to working and especially committing to people. I worry about those children very much. He says he's worried about failing as a father but he already has and will continue to do so. He thinks that being a good father is about changing nappies and doing the washing but he has no real emotional investment in those children and they feel that. He doesn't realise that the place to start being a good father is to be a good person and he isn't that. I asked him how he would feel if someone did what he did to me to one of his daughters and he accused me of emotional blackmail and said it wouldn't work with him as he would remain unaffected if someone hurt one of them like this.

The thing that scares me most about me is that I'm still very much in love with the man I described above. I'd take him back in an instant if he returned. I'm always bothering Aphrodite and asking for her help in this matter. She is pointedly ignoring me - proof to my friends "pagan", atheist and Christian alike, that Aphrodite knows best. I remain unconvinced. I would love him if he grew another head so the small matter of Lucifer thinking Keith's a bit too evil for even him to employ is kind of insignificant. He's not coming back this time though and I have to deal with that and it's exhausting.

People forget or they see you smiling and assume you are all better. They pressure you in to doing things you don't want to do because they expect the old person back. They refuse to accept that the damage may be permanent because that doesn't suit their needs and sometimes they won't even tolerate a mention of his name. They are relieved that he's gone because they didn't like him and they think that you should be relieved too when actually you are broken and hurting and spend a lot of time crying. Dragging yourself in to work every day when everything there reminds you of him is enough without having to then hang out with folks you don't even like that much, for a few more hours, before you can get home and let go and let the damned pain out.

I miss him and I ache for him. It's a real physical pain and I don't have a clue how to move past it. I don't know what comes after this. I like someone at work. I doubt he feels the same but I know there's no room for me to love him so I know I shouldn't pursue it but I miss kisses and someone's arms around me or just knowing that someone wants me and I crave that. I long for it and I can't satisfy any of it. So I knit. I knit and I shop and I avoid alcohol as much as I can and I keep hoping for the day it hurts less, the night I don't cry myself to sleep.

This has been kind of depressing. I don't intend every post to be like this - that would be a rubbish tool for making myself feel better but this is where I'm at right now and I feel kind of unheard even though I talk and talk. I want to not have to talk and talk about him and how it hurts. I really want it not to hurt.

Sx