Christmas is coming

Never been a fan of this time of year. It does my head in, all the enforced merriment and the people being hell-bent on socialising when the weather screams "get indoors now and don't come out again until spring". I'd gladly hibernate from the time that the Christmas songs start playing until it's time to eat chocolate eggs but, well, I can't.

I always want to like Christmas, or Yuletide. My friend loves Christmas. And I mean really loves it. She's like a kid from well before the beginning of December. She's so happy at this time of year. This festive season her house is more beautiful than ever, with hand-made decorations that look shop bought and a sense of happiness which swathes the house in a glow which isn't coming from the (tastefully arranged) fairy lights. And none of it is contrived. She doesn't do it because she thinks she should or because she's trying to keep up with the Jones'. She does it because she loves it. And it's lovely. Genuinely lovely. I'm happy that she's happy. She deserves to be but it's really hard to be the person who hates it. And I don't mean in a bah humbug, grumbling way. I'm not annoyed about the commercialisation of Christmas or the fact that it starts earlier and earlier every year. I mean on a really basic level - this is the worst time of year for me. It makes me more lonely than any other. It throws in to sharp relief how desperately unhappy I am and you aren't allowed to moan. You just aren't. People keep saying "At least you have 2 weeks off work", "At least you'll be around your family" and many other ridiculous, ill thought-out comments which do not serve to make me feel any better about the whole thing. Work is a welcome distraction from the shambles that is my life right now. Especially when someone or something annoys me - I can focus on that and push the thought of Keith sitting round a tree with his kids, opening presents, drinking mulled wine and not thinking about me, for about 5 seconds and that gives me time to breathe, which is necessary to the whole survival thing. And I'll not even start on how much worse being around my family makes me feel.

I'm dreading Christmas Day and then the period after, during which everybody is depressed anyway. I'm dreading New Year even more. I'm dreading people telling me that maybe 2009 will be better for me - that this will be my year. Unless he comes back it won't be any better. It's not like everything or, in fact, anything is going to change after some arbitary date in a calender.

I went out with a friend last night. I don't see him often. I quite like him but he really pushed me last night to really go in to detail about how I feel. I don't want to do that. I don't see why I should have to. I want it to be enough for me to say I'm sad or whatever and for people to leave me alone unless I want to talk. He said he had been worrying about me because I haven't felt like going out and I have said one of the reasons is because I know I'm not very good company. Truth is, I don't care whether or not I'm good company. I don't want to go out because I don't want to go out. It's totally fucking slefish and I feel like I'm entitled to be. Some others really don't think I'm entitled to that. They are getting annoyed with me now 'cos I'm still not in the party mood and it has been 6 months now so they don't understand why I'm not better and back to my old self. What they fail to realise is that "my old self" was entirely dependent on Keith. Not in a drippy, soppy way - I don't think I have no personality because he's gone but he gave me the strength and fortitude to deal with other people's crap which some people used to dump on me with alarming regularity and I'm not around for those people anymore. I can't be. I've got my own shit now and I'm drowning in it so I have no capacity for dealing with theirs and that is not going down well. I can't be bothered to care about that though. I have to find a way to cope with the next couple of weeks and I'm terrified that I don't have the ability to get through it. I can't say this to people. It's not what they want to hear at this time of year but it's how it is.

It'll all be over soon though and I won't have to worry about feeling as bad as this until my birthday in May, which is goign to be horrendous. I don't know if I'll get away with locking my door and not speaking to anyone until that's over but I know I'll be trying.

Sx