Someone from work

So, I didn't think I'd be posting today. I went out with someone from work tonight. I hoped that I wouldn't be home so early... There's a chance he may read this but I'm beyond being bothered about that. He couldn't really have made it more clear that he isn't interested in me and I'm surprised by how much that hurts. There's no way I can tell him how much I like the way his eyes (which are not the traditional brown, but a lovely shade of blue) crinkle when he smiles, how I like the way that when he laughs, it comes right from his belly and that his kindness makes me feel warm and happy. He went out of his way to let me know he doesn't feel anything but friendship for me and it has made me sad. More sad than I thought I would feel over someone who wasn't Keith.

We have been out a couple of times. I know he enjoys himself. I know he really likes my company but it's not enough for him. He has been my secret crush for 7 years. He has always been there throughout the Keith debacle and now we are in a place where we are both single and potentially ready for something and I'm not, physically, what he wants. I asked him what a woman would have to have for him and he started with "Good sense of humour". I have done some stand-up comedy in my time and I know I make him laugh. He talked about qualities I possess and was shocked when I said I was pleased but surprised that he didn't start with physical attributes but the reality is I was sitting in front of him, practically begging him for attention and he just doesn't notice.

I have taken the (sound) advice from friends to pretend that I'm completely ready to move on from Keith - to ensure that the fact that the impression Keith has left on me doesn't put this new man off. The truth is that he exists independently of Keith. This man doesn't make the pain of losing Keith go. He's not a distraction or some kind of sticking plaster. I like him for who he is and I would like what we have to be more and if it can't or isn't or whatever, I don't feel I have the strength to continue just being friends with him - not after what I've been through this year. I know I was funny with him at the beginning of the week after he had (inadvertently) upset me and he picked up on it (most men would NEVER have done) and I wanted to tell him. I wanted to shout that I wanted him and him thinking I'm just a pal cuts in a way I didn't envisage but I couldn't because the pain of actual rejection would be more than my fragile heart could bear right now. He deserves someone. He's special and I don't know if he knows it. I'd like to be able to tell him how special he is but it isn't my place. I must continue to admire him from afar and hope that someone, who I could care for, thinks the same of me, or will because I'm sad today and I really shouldn't be. Being with him makes me smile and I didn't know that that would happen so soon after Keith went away but I'm not the girl for him and that's sad. It's hard.

I wanted today's post to be positive. It should be. My friend, who I really admire, told me today that she really enjoyed my first post and that she likes my writing style. It made me happy. I was going for a drink with my (not so) secret crush and I ate pizza with my lovely friend who never fails to make me smile but I am sad and I don't know what else the Universe can come up with to make me blue but I don't feel prepared to deal with it. I hope tomorrow brings smiles and something positive. It might!

Sx