Ha ha

Well, I told "someone from work" that I like him and he doesn't feel the same - funny though 'cos telling him has kind of broken the whole thing. Turns out he's not so special or interesting - he's just the same as all the boys. He was taking the mickey really. He decided that he wanted to socialise a bit more and thought he'd just jump on my band-wagon. I've pulled the rug from under him somewhat and he'll have to make his own friends now 'cos he's proven humself to be a bit of a turd.

It's not just 'cos he doesn't like me. People like who they like and the ridiculous notion he has that he's hot has lead to him being sex-free for a number of years and is bound to continue but it's the fact that he knew I liked him and he still felt inclined to lead me up the garden path in the hope that it may get him close to someone else really proves he's not the kind of person I want in my life. I'm glad I did it and glad to have dispensed with him as a "friend" as it turns out so it's ok.

There was some crying on the night it happened but the tears weren't for him. They were for Keith. I miss him so much. I just lurch from one tiresome, frustrating day to the next, never really getting anywhere apart from closer to Christmas, which I am dreading. I keep thinking I can find a way to get him back (I always have) but this time things look bleak and I've never really contemplated the next 50 or so years without him. It has just never really occurred to me that I'll have to cope with that.

I have a job interview tomorrow morning. I really ought to be preparing for it but I can't be bothered. I'd quite like the job but I don't really care. It's not like it's going to make me happy or fulfilled. I'll just be doing a different job all day whilst dreaming up ways to try and get Keith to talk to me.

God, people must be bored of me. I have nothing else I want to talk about - not for any length of time and I know they must be getting sick of it but I'm afraid to let him die. I'm so scared of the void that will be left if I shut up about him - I'm scared that if I bottle it up and keep it in I'll spontaneously combust so this is a heartfelt apology to all my friends who shouldn't have to listen to me but do. Thank you. I love you.

I'm away to have another stab at this presentation for tomorrow. I'm not holding my breath. I could do the job standing on my head but I've no idea if I'm what they'll want. Fingers crossed, eh?

Sx