Well, here is my first post. I've always thought that this was a rather self-indulgent pursuit and actually it probably is but I think it will be a healthy one - perhaps helpful to me and anyone who may read it. I have never been one for writing journals, though I do write. I am one of nature's talkers. I like to tell people my problems, triumphs, hopes. I have tried to write diaries but I manage to keep it up for a week at best and then I slip. I wonder if the thought of others reading it will spur me on or make me less inclined to post.
The title is kind of strange, I guess. It came from a book I am reading (Pacts with the Devil by Christopher S Hyatt et al..) but it bears relevance to my life of late. I have hope that I may have cause to change it to Kissing an Angel at some point but the devil is appropriate for now. I have been in a funk for months now ever since the only man I have not only ever loved but also can ever really conceive of loving, ended our relationship via text message with no explantion and nothing approaching sadness or an apology. I have loved Keith for over 7 years - though we haven't been together all that time and I have endured a lot to keep him in my life and it has all come to naught and I have to keep thinking of my own reasons why because he didn't think me worthy of an actual explanation. I know that he's emotionally stunted and truly a bad person. I know he enjoys hurting people and I wasn't enough of a victim for him. He thinks being unfaithful is funny - he actually laughs when he talks about getting away with it. In many ways he hates himself, and well he should, but not for the reasons that he should hate himself. He's proud of how cold and selfish he is.
The thing that scares me most about him is that he is the father of two young girls. He doesn't love them in the way that I understand fatherly love. He uses tham as an excuse to not do anything he can't be bothered to do from replying to text messages to working and especially committing to people. I worry about those children very much. He says he's worried about failing as a father but he already has and will continue to do so. He thinks that being a good father is about changing nappies and doing the washing but he has no real emotional investment in those children and they feel that. He doesn't realise that the place to start being a good father is to be a good person and he isn't that. I asked him how he would feel if someone did what he did to me to one of his daughters and he accused me of emotional blackmail and said it wouldn't work with him as he would remain unaffected if someone hurt one of them like this.
The thing that scares me most about me is that I'm still very much in love with the man I described above. I'd take him back in an instant if he returned. I'm always bothering Aphrodite and asking for her help in this matter. She is pointedly ignoring me - proof to my friends "pagan", atheist and Christian alike, that Aphrodite knows best. I remain unconvinced. I would love him if he grew another head so the small matter of Lucifer thinking Keith's a bit too evil for even him to employ is kind of insignificant. He's not coming back this time though and I have to deal with that and it's exhausting.
People forget or they see you smiling and assume you are all better. They pressure you in to doing things you don't want to do because they expect the old person back. They refuse to accept that the damage may be permanent because that doesn't suit their needs and sometimes they won't even tolerate a mention of his name. They are relieved that he's gone because they didn't like him and they think that you should be relieved too when actually you are broken and hurting and spend a lot of time crying. Dragging yourself in to work every day when everything there reminds you of him is enough without having to then hang out with folks you don't even like that much, for a few more hours, before you can get home and let go and let the damned pain out.
I miss him and I ache for him. It's a real physical pain and I don't have a clue how to move past it. I don't know what comes after this. I like someone at work. I doubt he feels the same but I know there's no room for me to love him so I know I shouldn't pursue it but I miss kisses and someone's arms around me or just knowing that someone wants me and I crave that. I long for it and I can't satisfy any of it. So I knit. I knit and I shop and I avoid alcohol as much as I can and I keep hoping for the day it hurts less, the night I don't cry myself to sleep.
This has been kind of depressing. I don't intend every post to be like this - that would be a rubbish tool for making myself feel better but this is where I'm at right now and I feel kind of unheard even though I talk and talk. I want to not have to talk and talk about him and how it hurts. I really want it not to hurt.
Sx
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